Repair Manual for 1991 Buick LeSabre: Summer/Fall 2007 Edition
Problem: Car starts to shake when going up inclines.
Solution: Ignore.
Problem: Car is stolen from street directly outside of bedroom window.
Solution: Call cops. Vehemently deny parking car while intoxicated. Look like a dumbass because you have no idea what day you last saw your car. Call mother, who laughs hysterically at your plight.
Problem: Car is found by police and taken to a tow lot.
Solution: Leave car in tow lot until next paycheck, when it costs more than $200 to get it released to you.
Problem: Broken ignition from theft.
Solution: Allow tow lot to repair. Wait two weeks for repair. Get the run-around each time you call, at noon, for fourteen days.
Problem: Broken window from theft.
Solution: Scotch-tape trash bag to window.
Problem: Trash bag flaps too much on the interstate.
Solution: Remove trash bag, leave window open.
Problem: Humidity from rampant rain undoes all adhesive on the cloth covering the roof of the car. It falls while you are merging onto the interstate.
Solution: Return it to its rightful place using a Scunci hair tie and a mechanical pencil.
Problem: Car's only cup holder breaks off of armrest.
Solution: Use bag of sugar that is inexplicably in armrest to steady cups. Eventually, humidity from rampant rain causes sugar crystals to adhese, making a fully functional sugar cup holder.
Problem: Car decides to stop while idling in bumper-to-bumper traffic. Repeats six times in an hour.
Solution: Learn to hold down brake with left foot and gas with right foot while idling. Except in Starbuck's Drive Thru, where you let the car shut down for the sake of sentimental value.
Problem: Douchebag neighbor parks too far from the tree. In trying to wedge yourself into the so-not-a-parking space he left for you, catch side paneling in the gate. While backing up, listen helplessly as gate pushes side paneling from back passenger-side door to front passenger-side door. Park car on the street and hope that someone will steal it again.
Solution: Upon returning to find your car still on the street, open back door until paneling falls off. Put it back on with two of the four remaining connector piece. Revel in how it almost looks like it should.
Problem: Back door malfunctions and ceases to trigger the "door closed" light sensor. Car battery dies.
Solution: Buy jumper cables, and get roommate to jump your car off. Fix broken door sensor with paper towel and scotch tape.
Solution: Ignore.
Problem: Car is stolen from street directly outside of bedroom window.
Solution: Call cops. Vehemently deny parking car while intoxicated. Look like a dumbass because you have no idea what day you last saw your car. Call mother, who laughs hysterically at your plight.
Problem: Car is found by police and taken to a tow lot.
Solution: Leave car in tow lot until next paycheck, when it costs more than $200 to get it released to you.
Problem: Broken ignition from theft.
Solution: Allow tow lot to repair. Wait two weeks for repair. Get the run-around each time you call, at noon, for fourteen days.
Problem: Broken window from theft.
Solution: Scotch-tape trash bag to window.
Problem: Trash bag flaps too much on the interstate.
Solution: Remove trash bag, leave window open.
Problem: Humidity from rampant rain undoes all adhesive on the cloth covering the roof of the car. It falls while you are merging onto the interstate.
Solution: Return it to its rightful place using a Scunci hair tie and a mechanical pencil.
Problem: Car's only cup holder breaks off of armrest.
Solution: Use bag of sugar that is inexplicably in armrest to steady cups. Eventually, humidity from rampant rain causes sugar crystals to adhese, making a fully functional sugar cup holder.
Problem: Car decides to stop while idling in bumper-to-bumper traffic. Repeats six times in an hour.
Solution: Learn to hold down brake with left foot and gas with right foot while idling. Except in Starbuck's Drive Thru, where you let the car shut down for the sake of sentimental value.
Problem: Douchebag neighbor parks too far from the tree. In trying to wedge yourself into the so-not-a-parking space he left for you, catch side paneling in the gate. While backing up, listen helplessly as gate pushes side paneling from back passenger-side door to front passenger-side door. Park car on the street and hope that someone will steal it again.
Solution: Upon returning to find your car still on the street, open back door until paneling falls off. Put it back on with two of the four remaining connector piece. Revel in how it almost looks like it should.
Problem: Back door malfunctions and ceases to trigger the "door closed" light sensor. Car battery dies.
Solution: Buy jumper cables, and get roommate to jump your car off. Fix broken door sensor with paper towel and scotch tape.
posted by Another Chance to Get It Right at
10:49 PM
4 Comments:
This is one of the funniest things I've read in a long time.
Your poor car.
Ah... Roberto stole what I wanted to say.
But it's true -- I laughed so hard while reading this (mostly from remembering the great night we discovered your car stolen). Also, I had to learn the gas/brake trick with my old Rav4. Do you remember that? It never would stay on in the cold, so I just kept my foot on the gas at all times.
--Allison
Jenny, you are hilarious! Your car has been through a fuckton, but it was surprising well-behaved from Gray Court to Charleston. All I have to say is wow--scrunchies!
Love,
Oneil
i wanted to write a real comment but all i could do is laugh till i cried. Oh my jenny dear. How I needed this laugh.
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