The Grave that You Refuse to Leave, the Refuge that You Built to Flee: The Places That You've Come to Fear the Most
As you may have discerned, Friday was a bit of a low spot for me. I had a test, a huge big important test, that I feel went fairly poorly. And most of me doesn't see how it could have gone better than that, although I guess I could have studied better all along. Sometimes, it's hard for me to get out of my "manic" study habits: wait until the last minute, pump it out all night, and then kick ass and ride the high for the rest of the day, crashing in the afternoon [or not crashing at all...].
I don't know how this makes me feel about tomorrow. Part of me wants to bounce back, start studying right away, go about kicking ass in a real and serious manner. Part of me is really not looking forward to starting the process over again, of feeling unsure about what's going on in the lab, of going to class at 8 all of the days this week. Some days, I feel so exhausted and bored, tired of going to lecture and having information thrown at me all day. Some days, I feel so lucky to be here, so fortunate that everything worked out for me the first time around.
It occurs to me on a daily basis that I am living a dream. I am living my dream, and I am living a lot of other people's dreams, dreams that aren't always realized the first time around, that sometimes aren't realized at all. If someone had told me in January that this would all work out, that I would be here, in my program, with new friends and a happy living situation, that I would have such a happy relationship--well, I don't know if I would have believed them.
Still, living your own dream can sometimes be scary. I worry about fucking it up, about failing out and having to lose all that I've got, all that I've gained, all that I've fought for and been so lucky to receive. It's a constant reminder that I have to fight, still, because not fighting is no option. In fact, it's the only option I have.
So tomorrow, I'll go back to classes. I will walk there in the chilly morning air, and I will be thankful, mindful that to those to whom much has been given, much is required.
And, I suppose, that's how life should be.
I don't know how this makes me feel about tomorrow. Part of me wants to bounce back, start studying right away, go about kicking ass in a real and serious manner. Part of me is really not looking forward to starting the process over again, of feeling unsure about what's going on in the lab, of going to class at 8 all of the days this week. Some days, I feel so exhausted and bored, tired of going to lecture and having information thrown at me all day. Some days, I feel so lucky to be here, so fortunate that everything worked out for me the first time around.
It occurs to me on a daily basis that I am living a dream. I am living my dream, and I am living a lot of other people's dreams, dreams that aren't always realized the first time around, that sometimes aren't realized at all. If someone had told me in January that this would all work out, that I would be here, in my program, with new friends and a happy living situation, that I would have such a happy relationship--well, I don't know if I would have believed them.
Still, living your own dream can sometimes be scary. I worry about fucking it up, about failing out and having to lose all that I've got, all that I've gained, all that I've fought for and been so lucky to receive. It's a constant reminder that I have to fight, still, because not fighting is no option. In fact, it's the only option I have.
So tomorrow, I'll go back to classes. I will walk there in the chilly morning air, and I will be thankful, mindful that to those to whom much has been given, much is required.
And, I suppose, that's how life should be.
posted by Another Chance to Get It Right at
10:01 PM
1 Comments:
I know just what you mean about living a dream. We, of course, have different career goals, but we are both living our dreams right now. I am happy here, but there are times when I'm terrified that I'll never get a good job or that I'll end up dissatisfied in the profession. I have no idea what else I would do besides be in a library. All this talk (and inevitability) of digital libraries is really scary to me. I don't know how technologically advanced I can be. I also don't know if I even like technological stuff so much.... Grrr.
We just won't know until we get there.
--Allison
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