The Art of Waiting
On Friday, someone did something very unfair to me: scheduled a meeting a week in advance.
Not all people would see this as unfair, perhaps, but it is to me. The anticipation of meetings, the simple words "I have something to tell you," or "I have something to ask you," shake me to my bones. In most cases, I know that the information is fairly innocuous, that it is something I need to know, but not something bad. But you can't imagine the anxiety, the bomb of bipolar thinking that this drops in my life.
The bomb metaphor comes from Belinda, another woman who writes for Real Mental. When I was reading the entry, I found this metaphor to be so apt, and I understood--I was feeling, in fact--the exact thinking that she was talking about. When I find out about something that is out of my control, I freak. I get anxious. I overthink the situation, and I brood. Oh, God--the brooding.
This obsessive thought process is something that the medications alleviate, but do not remove. Instead, I've had to work hard to derail that thought process, to make a conscious note when it occurs, to change those patterns of behavior.
But the truth is, patterns of behavior become patterns because they are comforting, or at least comfortable. Defusing my own "thought bombs" is hard, because I have to consciously make an effort to change. It's funny, when you think about it, because it's like pressing some override button on my mind. It is allowing one part of my mind to take over, to tell another part of my [sick] mind that it's not right. And to back the fuck down.
This doesn't happen just once. With an anxiety trigger like this, where I worry about something for an extended period of time [hours or days], I go through this cycle tens to hundreds of times.
[remember trigger--anxiety--overthinking--calm down...remember trigger--anxiety--overthinking--calm down...ad nauseum].
But at least I have that final step down. I'm not perfect at it, and I still find myself brooding, but I am able to recognize that problem in myself and make strides to correct it. I don't know if I will ever live without this anxious backlash, but I can make my reactions to it better. It's just going to take more time...and more work. But I'm a medicated, changing-life-to-make-it-better bipolar person. And time and work might as well be my middle names.
Not all people would see this as unfair, perhaps, but it is to me. The anticipation of meetings, the simple words "I have something to tell you," or "I have something to ask you," shake me to my bones. In most cases, I know that the information is fairly innocuous, that it is something I need to know, but not something bad. But you can't imagine the anxiety, the bomb of bipolar thinking that this drops in my life.
The bomb metaphor comes from Belinda, another woman who writes for Real Mental. When I was reading the entry, I found this metaphor to be so apt, and I understood--I was feeling, in fact--the exact thinking that she was talking about. When I find out about something that is out of my control, I freak. I get anxious. I overthink the situation, and I brood. Oh, God--the brooding.
This obsessive thought process is something that the medications alleviate, but do not remove. Instead, I've had to work hard to derail that thought process, to make a conscious note when it occurs, to change those patterns of behavior.
But the truth is, patterns of behavior become patterns because they are comforting, or at least comfortable. Defusing my own "thought bombs" is hard, because I have to consciously make an effort to change. It's funny, when you think about it, because it's like pressing some override button on my mind. It is allowing one part of my mind to take over, to tell another part of my [sick] mind that it's not right. And to back the fuck down.
This doesn't happen just once. With an anxiety trigger like this, where I worry about something for an extended period of time [hours or days], I go through this cycle tens to hundreds of times.
[remember trigger--anxiety--overthinking--calm down...remember trigger--anxiety--overthinking--calm down...ad nauseum].
But at least I have that final step down. I'm not perfect at it, and I still find myself brooding, but I am able to recognize that problem in myself and make strides to correct it. I don't know if I will ever live without this anxious backlash, but I can make my reactions to it better. It's just going to take more time...and more work. But I'm a medicated, changing-life-to-make-it-better bipolar person. And time and work might as well be my middle names.
posted by Another Chance to Get It Right at
10:37 PM
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