A Brief But Comprehensive Guide to Social (Un)intelligence

Welcome to your orientation to the School of Social (Un)intelligence. Today we will be covering the basics: how to ignore social cues so that you may do whatever you want to do, despite how it may be impinging on the desires of other people, specifically people who do not like you.

1. It is lunchtime, and you find yourself lacking lunchtime companions. You survey the first floor of the library, where many other students--some you know, some you don't--are enjoying their food. The key here is to look for the two people who are enjoying themselves the most. Oh yes, there they are. The girl is telling some sort of story. It is elaborate and involves hand gestures. Her friend is laughing, listening to the story and cutting in with his own remarks. The key is to interupt right in the middle of the story, right when she's just getting to the important part. Make sure you make them feel so uncomfortable with rejecting you that they let you sit in. Your timing is perfect--since you haven't heard the first part of the story, she cannot tell the second without feeling bad. Your first mission is complete.

2. But how can you possibly take it to the next level? You've already apparently spoiled their lovely lunch conversation. Look at the way they exchange glances. How long has it been since they've properly talked? Two weeks? Three? There's that look between them, the one that says, "I have so much to tell you!" But of course--you'll learn to hone this skill--you don't notice any of those cues. And so the next step is to talk about something only you and the boy have in common. The girl isn't a third year medical student; she isn't in the hospital and she doesn't have any patients. Leaving her out of a lunch conversation with the person who was HER LUNCH COMPANION--yeah, that will show her.

3. By now, you must be exhausted of keeping her out of the conversation. So why don't you ask her how her research is going? Great--now that she's given you a one-word answer, you can turn the conversation back on yourself. What will make her furious? Oh, I know! Talk about how you hate research [which she doesn't actually mind], but how you really should have done it to pad your residency applications [oops--there's that fury!]. I bet she loves it when people who don't care about research talk about how they did it or should do it just to make themselves look better. Just think of all those people who are spending time teaching you lab techniques you don't care about it! It's not like they have grants to write, or papers to read, or their own damned work to do! Go ahead--laze yourself around the lab so you look better on paper! It'll be fun!

4. Mini-quiz:

Should you or should you not violate HIPAA in the ultimate exclusionary effort, mentioning your patient by name and insisting the boy answer your questions, leaving the girl out once again?

(A) Yes

(B) No

How many times should you mention that your board scores are not good enough to get you into the specialty you wanted, forcing you to settle for another career path?

(A) One

(B) Two

(C) Until someone acknowledges the desparity of your plight

[Answers: (A), (C)]

5. We're almost at the end, but you get to challenge in the bonus round! The lunch companions are eyeing each other with a higher frequency. She hasn't finished her food, but she's slowly packing it away. They have slowly started sliding sideways, continuing to talk while perched with their asses halfway drooping off the seat. What do you possibly do?

Congratuations--you stayed and made them talk for ten more minutes! You don't have to be back to the hospital for twenty minutes, and--dammit--these two WILL entertain you!

You have passed the first class in the School of Social (Un)intelligence with flying colors! May you continue to ignore all signs that you make people uncomfortable and unhappy! Go live that life to the fullest, wrapping up everyone you know in a tornado of misery each time you pass!