From the Vault: "Repair Guide for a 1998 Chevrolet Lumina"

[This was posted as a guest post in July 2008 on another blog. It was a follow-up to my previous Repair Guide for a 1991 Buick LeSabre. Unfortunately, I think a lot of misguided people have ended up here actually looking for advice on car repair. And to those people, I whole-heartedly apologize!]

Problem: Knock off driver’s side mirror while maneuvering backwards through gates surrounding the driveway and talking on the phone.

Solution: Well, that was a shitty mirror anyway.

Problem: Turning right occasionally causes CD to spin in the CD player.

Solution: Get really good at anticipating the effect on the CD; continue singing, including the skips.

Problem: Cupholder console is not strongly attached to the floor separator it sits on. In fact, it doesn’t appear to be attached at all; instead, it is simply sitting on the separator, held in place by magic and sunshine.

Solution: Try to duct tape the console down and realize that duct tape, which is supposed to stick to everything, does not stick to carpet. Leave the console to magic and sunshine, watching helplessly as it throws Route 44 drinks across the carpet in heavy traffic.

Problem: Console throws Route 44 drink across the carpet in heavy traffic.

Solution: Start swearing to your friends that you keep your car so dirty to absorb the imminent spills.

Problem: Man rear ends you in another city.

Solution: The problem is not so bad, because the man was in a high-sitting truck. There is almost no damage done to the bumper, and his insurance promises to fix it.

Problem: The repair company accidentally gets a new trunk with a spoiler on it.

Solution: You are offered the choice of leaving the spoiler on or having it taken off. You opt for the later, because—really?—you don’t know what spoilers do. And you probably don’t need one for your daily excursions to work, Target, and the cupcake place.

Problem: While sitting at a red light, there is a knock at your window. It is the man from the car behind you, who informs you that your brake lights—yes, all of them—are out.

Solution: Ignore until you have money to fix.

Problem: Before the next paycheck arrives, your friend sends you a text message as you drive to school, asking if you have your brake lights fixed yet. When you reply “no,” he asks you if the money saved is worth crashing your car.

Solution: After briefly considering answering “yes,” you consult both the friend and your father, who posit that the problem is not the lights, but the fuse. You drive to the local Auto-Zone, where a nice man who likes your Green Lantern shirt helps you check all the fuses and change the one that’s burnt out. But you totally could have done it by yourself.

Problem: While your boyfriend is visiting, his car decides that it doesn’t want to go above forty.

Solution: Seriously? You’ve got to be shitting me, right?

Problem: Still in the time before the next paycheck, your car starts to shake and grind. But not in a good sexy way.

Solution: You turn around and call Daddy’s Long-Distance Car Repair Consulting Company. After five minutes of imitating the problem and making “Reerrr Rerrrerrerrerrr” sounds into the phone, you are relieved when he decides that the problem might be transmission fluid. Tapping into your craftier side, you make a funnel out of purple cardstock and staples, then pooouuuur the transmission fluid in, making sure to get it all over everything.

Problem: Has that paycheck arrived yet? No? Good, just in time for your rearview mirror to fall off of its exalted place on the windshield.

Solution: Start to feel like a contestant on Every Day You Don’t Get Paid, Something Fucks Up On Your Car. Arrive home to find a rebate check from Verizon in the mailbox.

Problem: You don’t have a local or national bank account, so you can’t cash your check, not even at Wal-Mart.

Solution: Surprise, new checking account! And this one almost has as little money as your other checking account!

Problem: Epoxy you bought with money from new checking account does not work. Mirror continues to fall off, threatening to hit you in the face every time you try to see if it may be sticking.

Solution: Return to Wal-Mart; buy new epoxy with a side of Triscuits and hummus. Sit in the car at home, listening to Frou Frou and folded up into a position that makes it comfortable to hold the mirror into place. Listen to Track 6 repeatedly and ignore the stares of people who look at you through the glass, eager to behold the Amazing Frustrated Pretzel Woman who Smells Like Cheap Glue and Desperation.

Problem: Your friend says you can’t drive.

Solution: Try to prove him wrong by driving a mutual friend around town. Hint that this guy may want to tell your friend that you CAN drive. Punctuate this hint by running up onto the curb. Give up. Give up. Give up.

[Ed. to add -- that rerr rerrrrr rerrrr sound was actually my transmission slowly dying. Two months after this blog was posted, the transmission crapped out completely, and was repaired. Only to have something else go wrong with it later...]