Smokey, this isn't 'Nam. This is bowling. There are rules.

My life is run by a series of very serious rules. If by serious, I mean arbitrary and nonsensical rules that don't dictate anything of significance in life. And they mostly have to do with food.

Rules of Starbucks drinks: I cannot drink Pumpkin Spice Lattes until the first day of fall. I cannot drink Peppermint Mochas until after Thanksgiving, and I cannot drink them after New Years Day (this being a rule that is mostly in place to save my poor waistline).

Rules of holiday plates: Nothing should be touching anything else. This is an impossible rule for follow, but I strive for it every year. This especially goes for cranberry sauce and sweet potatoes. I failed on both fronts last night.

Rules of Reese's Holiday Shapes: The higher the peanut butter: chocolate ratio, the better. Eggs are the ultimate in Reese's holiday shapes. The big eggs, not those mini-shit one they started rolling out in later years. Also, the more traditional ones trump the newer versions. Christmas trees are classic, so they also place high. Eggs > Christmas Trees > Pumpkins > Hearts.

Rules of flavored candy: The acceptable method for eating flavored candy is least favorite --> favorite.

Sweetarts: Yellow, orange, blue, green, pink, purple. (Purple recently and unexpectedly overthrew pink for first place. I'm not sure how that happened.

Starburst: Lemon, Orange, Cherry, Strawberry

Skittles: Lemon, orange and lime eaten three at a time (one of each flavor) until all are gone. Then purple (grape, I guess?). Then red.

Tootsie Roll Pops: Grape, Orange, Cherry, Raspberry, Chocolate. Once, in high school, I went through a big Tootsie Roll Pop phase. My mom kept buying bags of them for me, and I kept eating my least favorite first. However, just as soon as I finished my two least favorites, she would bring a new bag and I would have to eat all of the least favorites from that bag before I could eat the good ones from the other bags. Eventually, I had to get her to stop buying them, because I was only ever eating the terrible ones, leaving quite an untouched stash of my favorites.

Basically, what I think I'm trying to say: It is exhausting being me.