It's Beginning To Feel A Lot Like Something.

I can't decide how I feel about right now. It finally got chilly outside, after a few weeks of positively balmy weather. I'm really getting into the idea of hot chocolate and Christmas music, but it's taking time. I bought Christmas presents the other day, which went a long way into making me excited about Christmas. But it still feels a little off.

Perhaps it's because I have a huge obstacle between me and Christmas. Hundreds of pages of notes to know, a six hour final with two practicals and an interview test. Cumulative material that I have to review [and on some accounts, learn for the first time]. The path between now and then sometimes seems interminable.

So, this is the paradox of now, the conundrum I'm in. I'm wishing away my hours and days because I am so ready to be home. Today, while we were studying cell bio, I looked at Joe.

"I just want to be at home," I said.

"Well, you can't be," he said, "Right now, I need for you to be here, because if you're not, then I'm just talking to myself and I need some quality control."

I have to remember that, that I have to be here, engaged in now. It's very easy for me to get lost in the wistfulness of wanting it to be ten days from now, when I can sleep and watch TV and spend a lot of time with Joey, with the remnants of the Tenacious Ten, with my awesome siblings.

But I need myself to be here, because I'm not, then I'm cheating myself out of something. I need myself to be here, because--again--it's the only option I really have.